What to Do When Feeling Defeated or Experiencing Loss?

In 2010, the movement we were building in Serbia was struggling. After an incredible initial campaign that put us on the national map, our energy was waning, and we couldn't fundraise enough to keep our office. We ended up losing our office—a symbol of our gathering, where crafted actions, met new people, trained volunteers, and team leaders. We lost our place of gathering. We were all disheartened. Was this the end?

We decided to invite our most active members and volunteers to discuss the situation. This community saw so much value in our collective work that, after expressing worries and sadness about the situation, we started brainstorming creative ideas to keep the organization going. First, we shifted our collective mindset: while having an office as a place of gathering was important, what really made our movement were the people! Then we came up with several innovative ideas on how to keep meeting and working together without an office, while also implementing new fundraising strategies which required higher commitment from all of us.

We all left the meeting energized and ready to act. The community had come together, shared openly, processed the moment, and reframed the mindset to anchor in hope again. Long story short, not only did the movement survive, but many new leaders were born out of this struggle, and the movement, after several transformations, grew to become the largest in Serbia today.

We all encounter moments when life doesn't go as planned. Times when setbacks, failures, or losses leave us feeling defeated and unsure of the path ahead. It's during these challenging periods that finding hope and reigniting our drive to take action becomes essential!

🤔 How Experiencing Defeat or Loss Might Feel?

Loss or defeat can stir up a range of intense emotions. Initially, it may bring sadness, disappointment, or even anger. Many feel a sense of failure, questioning their worth and their decisions: “What could have I done differently? I could have done more!” This emotional upheaval can lead to physical effects too: some feel exhausted, struggle with concentration, or lose motivation to tackle everyday tasks. It’s normal to feel disoriented, as though life’s foundation has cracked. These reactions are common, and understanding them is the first step toward your way out.

❓️ What Can You Do?

1️⃣ Take care of yourself

Often, we fall into unhelpful coping mechanisms such as drinking, smoking, consuming too much news (infotainment), binge eating, etc. My approach is to refocus on positive coping mechanisms. These include meditation, working out, walking in nature, playing a guitar (or engaging in any other artistic activity), spending time with family & friends, journaling. I even allow myself small guilty pleasures without going overboard—playing favorite video games (in my case, Diablo and Civilization) or watching a TV series can help me return to a balanced state.

2️⃣ Make sense

Once you've taken care of yourself (and perhaps helped others too), it's time to make sense of the situation. Loss or defeat can be challenging to cope with because it often challenges your worldview. It might feel as if your map of reality isn't as accurate as you thought, but how significant does the correction need to be? How much is your map off? Is the entire map incorrect, or is it just a small detail that needs redefining? Most often, it's closer to the latter. Here are some effective ways to make sense of what happened:

🔹️ Reflective journaling - Consider these questions: How do you feel? What's behind those feelings? Why are you doing what you're doing (What is your purpose?)? How can you honor what (or who) has been lost? What would it take to give meaning to the loss or defeat you're experiencing? What did you learn about yourself and the world?

🔹️ Conversation with your loved ones - Share your thoughts and feelings with those close to you. Their support and different perspectives can offer valuable insights.

🔹️ Reflective conversation with your mentor, team, or community - Engage in open discussions with those who understand your context. Their collective wisdom can help you gain new perspectives and strategies.

🔹️ If necessary, seek professional counseling or therapy

Maintain a curious mindset and ask questions to learn. This process helps you understand the situation, process your feelings, and update your mental map. By processing loss through curiosity and community support, you'll naturally develop a more hopeful outlook. Once you've gained understanding and learned lessons, you can focus on the future by asking: "What can I/we do now?"

3️⃣ Take action

Depending on what you have learned and where you see hope, it's time to move to action. For some people, this could mean returning to life as usual but without an important person in their lives. It means learning how to move forward without them. Consider what new habits or practices you need to put in place.

For others, experiencing loss or defeat in a more professional or public sphere means putting your learnings into action. This could involve finding new ways to be useful, joining a new community, or increasing your commitment to the one you already belong to. It might mean starting or joining an organization, changing your strategy, or adapting your team. The key is to act upon the values that were at stake in the first place—those that led to this experience of loss or defeat! And don’t do it alone.

😊 The Role of Optimism and Positive Thinking

Letting go of attachment to what has been lost is key to moving forward. While we can honor what was lost, holding onto it too tightly can prevent us from seeing new opportunities. Letting go allows us to open up to future possibilities and find meaning beyond our loss.

Maintaining a positive mindset doesn’t mean ignoring the pain; rather, it means being open to future possibilities and believing that things can improve. Finding hope in even the darkest times and viewing loss as a temporary state that doesn’t define one’s life permanently is a habit of a resilient leader. We will talk more about resilience in our next newspaper.

⚖️ What Democratic Leaders Do in the Face of Loss or Defeat?

Leaders who intend to lead in an empowering way respond to loss or defeat by actively involving their team in recovery. They facilitate open and inclusive discussions to analyze what went wrong, encouraging all team members to share their perspectives and ideas. By fostering a collaborative environment, they empower individuals to participate in decision-making and problem-solving, promoting a sense of shared ownership over both challenges and solutions, thus creating even more leadership capacity in the process. This approach not only addresses the immediate setback but also strengthens the team's cohesion and commitment to common goals.

💥 Action Item

This week, create a simple “Self-Care, Reflection, Action” checklist. Each day, write down one thing you’ll do to care for yourself, one insight or reflection about the experience, and one small action you’ll take to move forward. Review your list at the end of the week and reflect on any progress or insights.

Our biggest losses, defeats, and challenges can become the greatest sources of our power if we learn how to overcome them!

🎙 TED talk - How to turn loss into inspiration?

To learn more, we recommend this amazing TED talk by George Kohlrieser.

Drawing from his extensive background as a clinical psychologist, hostage negotiator, and leadership professor at IMD in Lausanne, Kohlrieser shares strategies to help rewire the brain to “play to win” and embrace growth.