Want to Be an Authentic Leader? Let Go of People-Pleasing!

Imagine you’re in a meeting, and a colleague asks you to take on an additional project. Your workload is already packed, but without a second thought, you nod and say, “Sure, I’ll do it.” Inside, you feel the weight of that “yes” sinking in, but the fear of disappointing others makes it impossible to say “no.” Sound familiar?

People-pleasing is a habit many of us develop as we grow up in a world that often values harmony over honesty. But constantly sacrificing your needs to gain approval can lead to burnout and a fragile sense of self. Let’s explore how to reclaim your worth from external validation and overcome people-pleasing tendencies for a more grounded, self-assured approach to life.

 🤔 Why People-Pleasing Holds You Back

People-pleasing is driven by a desire for acceptance and a fear of rejection or judgment. While seeking positive relationships is natural, when taken to the extreme, it can come at the cost of personal boundaries, authenticity, and self-worth. People-pleasers often fall into the trap of externalizing self-worth—tying their value to how others perceive them. This habit leaves them vulnerable to the fluctuating opinions and needs of others, destabilizing their confidence.

Over time, constantly accommodating others can damage relationships by creating an unbalanced dynamic that fosters resentment on both sides. Ironically, over-accommodating may reduce likability, as it can be perceived as insincerity or a lack of authenticity, causing others to trust you less. Furthermore, focusing on others' needs over your own can hinder personal growth, preventing you from pursuing your own goals and passions. So, what can you do?

👆 Step 1: Practicing Self-Compassion

One powerful way to combat people-pleasing is through **self-compassion**—treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. Developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three key components:

1️⃣ Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: Instead of criticizing yourself for feeling unworthy, try speaking kindly to yourself.

2️⃣ Common Humanity vs. Isolation: Remember, you’re not alone in your struggles; many share similar feelings.

3️⃣ Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: Observe your emotions without letting them define you.

Try this exercise: The next time you catch yourself worrying about others’ opinions, pause. Acknowledge the moment of discomfort, remind yourself that others feel this too, and offer yourself words of kindness. For example, “It’s okay to feel this way. My value isn’t based on what they think.”

✌️ Step 2: Cognitive Restructuring

Another tool to break free from people-pleasing is **Cognitive Restructuring**—a technique from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that helps challenge automatic negative thoughts. When you notice a thought like, “If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish,” take a moment to analyze it.

🔹 Identify the Automatic Thought: What are you telling yourself in that moment?

🔹 Examine the Evidence: Is there proof to support this thought? What are other possible explanations?

🔹 Create a Balanced Thought: Replace the original thought with something more balanced, like “It’s okay to prioritize my needs, and others will likely understand.”

As you practice Cognitive Restructuring, you’ll find it easier to value yourself independent of others’ opinions. This shift helps solidify an internal sense of worth, making it easier to set boundaries confidently.

👥 Real-Life Practice

Recently, a participant in a workshop shared her struggle with people-pleasing at work. She’d often say yes to tasks she didn’t have time for, fearing her team would see her as unhelpful. Using these tools, she began pausing before responding, checking in with herself, and reframing her thoughts to validate her own needs. Over time, she noticed that setting boundaries didn’t distance her from colleagues; it actually helped build mutual respect.

🫂 What if You Notice it in Others?

Perhaps you're not a people-pleaser, but you notice this behavior in others. This is especially true if you're in a position of authority and power. As democratic leaders, we need to empower those around us to face their challenges, overcome their fears, and find their authentic voice—enabling them to contribute meaningfully to our common purpose. What can you do?

🔹 Have honest conversations: One-on-one discussion with that person is the best approach. Rather than confronting them directly, adopt a coaching mindset. Ask thoughtful questions to help them recognize the challenge, uncover what lies behind it, and explore how they might face it, without judging them.

🔹 Create a culture of productive disagreement: Actively seek opposing opinions in meetings and consider establishing a team norm that "supports productive disagreement as a way to learn and co-create together." Another helpful norm is "challenge the idea, not the person" - not disagreeing with the person who proposed the idea, but discussing the merits of the idea itself. This depersonalizes disagreement and creates a safer space for disagreeing.

🔹 Enable people to handle tension: Sometimes, not pleasing others and expressing disagreement might lead to conflict or strained relationships. That's a reality we must accept. Living free and authentically means taking risks and having difficult conversations—and yes, sometimes leaving behind people who might take advantage of your kindness.

💥 Action Item

This week, try a "Pause and Reflect" exercise whenever you feel the impulse to please others. The next time someone asks something of you, pause before responding. Ask yourself: “Am I agreeing because I truly want to, or because I fear their reaction if I say no?” If it’s the latter, practice reframing that thought by using self-compassion or cognitive restructuring. Remind yourself, “It’s okay to prioritize my needs, and my worth doesn’t depend on their opinion.” This small action can begin the process of breaking the people-pleasing habit and help you make choices rooted in self-respect and authenticity.

🎙️ Ted Talk: "People Pleasing: An Addiction in Disguise" by Janice Burt

This talk explores people-pleasing as an addiction rooted in the need for validation. Janice shows how prioritizing others' approval can damage our self-identity and well-being. She provides practical strategies for recognizing these patterns and rebuilding self-worth through authenticity.

✊️ Ready to lead like an Obama Leader?

Obama Foundation, one of our favorite partners, launched a call for the next generation of Obama Leaders who will go through an amazing 9-month-long leadership development program with other change-makers.

I have been a part of this community as one of the trainers for several years, and here is why joining this community can be life-changing:

🔹 Y️ou’ll connect with purpose-driven people from across the globe;

🔹️ You’ll learn from incredible guest speakers who’ve made an impact;

🔹 You’ll gain access to new leadership frameworks to amplify your influence;

🔹 And yes… you will meet President Obama himself!

It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to grow as a leader and make a difference!

💝 Sharing is Caring

Hey! If this newsletter made you think or smile, why not share it with a friend? It’s like sending a little boost of inspiration their way. 😊

Forward this email and they can subscribe using the link below.