🦋 How to See the Hidden Stakes in Any Conversation

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During the COVID pandemic, there was a fierce debate about wearing masks. I remember calling my mom in Serbia, urging her to wear one whenever she went to the store.

She didn't want to.

Every time I brought it up, it turned into a fight. I was scared for her health, but she felt attacked and cornered. Our conversations left us both upset.

I bet many of you had similar experiences back then—with parents, friends, or coworkers. Conversations that should have been about a simple public health measure became emotionally charged.

For those of us who were willing to wear a mask, the problem was technical: How do we find one when there's global scarcity?

But for many others, putting on a mask was not technical—it was adaptive.

Why? Because it was about identity, belonging, and values.

In some communities, wearing a mask signaled weakness, fear, or political allegiance. If wearing one meant your family, friends, or neighbors would see you as disloyal or cowardly, the cost wasn't a piece of fabric—it was your place in the group.

And faced with a difficult choice between belonging and safety, many chose belonging.

In this month's series on difficult conversations, today we discuss how identity and belonging play a role, and we dive deeper into how leading change works 👇

🔄 The Most Common Mistake: Adaptive vs. Technical Challenges

What people who opposed masks faced was not just a lack of knowledge or resources (technical challenge), but a conflict of values, beliefs, identity, and redefining relationships (adaptive challenge).

“Leaders” who missed that distinction made predictable mistakes - applying technical solutions to an adaptive problem:

• Shipping more masks to those communities didn't change behavior.

• Making masks cheaper or free didn't change behavior.

• Shaming people for being "anti-science" didn't change behavior.

• Citing more data rarely changed behavior.

• Harsh mandates created backlash

When you encounter an adaptive challenge, you have to slow down a bit, engage with curiosity, and learn more about what the real challenge is, before you decide your course of action. Adaptive challenges are about hearts and minds.

❌ Why Difficult Conversations Fail

Here's the trap we often fall into in difficult conversations:

We assume that if something looks technical to us, it must also be technical for the other person.

But when what's at stake for them is adaptive— it threatens their values, identity, or relationships—we mistake their resistance for stubbornness, irrationality, or stupidity.

That mistake is deadly for trust.

When you're asking someone to change their mind, you may actually be asking them to redefine who they are and how they belong in their community.

Think about it: If you suddenly had to switch from being a climate change believer to a climate change denier (or the other way around), it wouldn't just change your opinion. It would ripple through your identity, your friendships, maybe even your career.

That's why change feels so threatening. It's not just about "facts." It's about who I am and whether I still belong. What (who) might I lose if I change?

👥 The Social Nature of Belief

Humans are inherently social creatures. Our beliefs serve social functions. They help us find allies, keep our relationships, and strengthen our sense of belonging—even if it comes at the cost of factual accuracy.

Think about the last heated conversation you had—politics, religion, workplace strategy. Was it really about "the data"? Or was it about staying loyal to your group, your values, your sense of self?

Looking back at those mask debates, I realized my mom's resistance wasn't really about health facts. It was about identity and pride. For her to follow my advice would mean accepting an identity—fearful, cautious—that didn't align with how others behaved in her community, where almost no one was wearing a mask.

💡 Important Lessons

So, what does this mean for all of us who want to exercise leadership & lead change, trying to navigate difficult conversations?

1. See the adaptive challenge beneath the technical fix.

   What looks like an easy step to you may demand a deep identity or behavior shift for someone else.

2. Fear of losing social status or community often trumps all other values.

   Belonging is a basic human need. When people feel a change will cost them their group, they resist—even if the facts point another way.

3. People don't need data, they need meaning.

   Stories, symbols, and values often move people more than charts or evidence.

4. People are not afraid of loss, they are afraid of the loss the change might bring.

   We have a bias towards protecting ourselves from a loss. If you think change might cost you something important, you will resist it too.

5. Ask yourself: What am I really asking them to give up?

   Is it a value, a relationship, a source of belonging? Recognize that loss before you push.

6. Replace judgment with curiosity.

   Instead of "they're stubborn," ask "what's at stake for them if they change?"

7. Create space for dignity.

   If change requires someone to redefine themselves, they need space, empathy, and time—not shaming.

🛠️ A Simple Exercise for Your Next Difficult Conversation

Here's a tool you can try this week. It takes just 5 minutes:

1. Identify a difficult conversation you're facing.

Maybe it's with a colleague who resists a new process, a friend with a strong political view, or a family member about a lifestyle choice.

2. Ask yourself three questions:

• If they change their position, how might that affect their identity?

• What values or relationships might they feel they're betraying?

• What loss might they fear most?

3. Shift your approach.

Instead of pushing harder with facts, start the conversation with curiosity:

• "I want to understand what feels hard about this for you."

• "What do you feel you'd lose if you went along with this change?"

• "What's most important for you to protect in this situation?"

4. Listen. Really listen.

Often, just being heard reduces defensiveness and opens space for real dialogue.

🎯 The Takeaway

Difficult conversations aren't just about information. They're about identity and belonging.

When you approach them as opportunities to explore values, belonging, and meaning—not just to win arguments—you unlock a different kind of conversation.

Next time you're in a conversation that feels stuck, pause before you judge. Ask yourself: What's really at stake for them if they change?

Chances are, it's not stupidity. It's something far deeper.

And when you lead with curiosity and empathy, you may find that change—real, lasting change—becomes possible.

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