Have you ever said something you didn't mean to say?

When I got my first job, I called my mom — an experienced manager — to complain about a coworker. I'd already drafted the angry email in my head.

She said: "Write the email. Pour everything in. Then don't send it. Wait until tomorrow."

So I wrote it. Long. Angry. Then I left without sending it.

The next morning, I came back to it — and felt like a stranger had written it. I'd never have sent that in my right mind. I hadn't been in my right mind. So I didn't send it. I picked up the phone, called the coworker, talked it out. We resolved it. I dodged my own bullet.

Twenty years later, I still use her trick. If triggered - Write it. Don't send it. Come back later.

When you come back, two things happen.

First, you rewrite. Calmer. Strategic. Sometimes you decide that it’s not even worth it, or that a phone call would land better.

Second — you read what you almost sent, and you cringe.

Each time you see how unreasonable you almost were, the next emotional spike has a little less power over you. You learn — in your body, not in your head — that the version of you who wants to fire off the message is not the version of you who should be making decisions.

Look, it's important to set boundaries and push back when needed. But how you do it matters👇

When your brain senses a threat — real or imagined — your limbic system takes over to protect you. That system is millions of years old. It kept your ancestors alive when there were saber-toothed tigers in the bushes. The problem? Often it can't tell the difference between a tiger and a triggering email.

This system is much faster than your fancy complex prefrontal cortex, and it's more efficient when you have to fight for survival in the moment. That is why we jump before we see the snake! Well, the truth is we jump before we KNOW we saw a snake — but while "knowing" was being processed in the prefrontal cortex, your limbic system already issued the order: JUMP! to survive. Hey, it turns out it was a piece of cable, not a snake — you realize that later. But if it really was a snake, you often get only one chance to be wrong, so evolution favors your overreaction in the name of survival.

So that's what we're often up against — a sense of threat triggered by a comment in a meeting or an email, which then sets off the whole automatic survival mechanism (fight or flight) that drives your behavior without thinking.

Have you ever said something you didn't mean to say? How come you said it then? Who said it? Well, it was you for sure. You, on limbic system takeover. You jumped before you saw a snake — without thinking. You see, all the fancy complex stuff you know is in your prefrontal cortex. All the strategic thinking, the communication skills, some of the leadership training too. BUT all of that is gone when the prefrontal cortex goes offline in the midst of a limbic takeover brought to you by a trigger or high uncertainty. In the highly uncertain times we live in, this cycle is further exacerbated. Between world affairs, fast technological advances, and so many other things — not to mention what happens at your job — this limbic takeover is more common than ever. Those who learn how to handle it will be the ones with clarity, and the ability to actually exercise leadership in times of uncertainty.

In this, and the next few newsletters, we will talk about what you can do in the face of rising uncertainty, to keep your strategic part of the brain online so that you can use all that knowledge that you have.

We will start with a simple idea that changes everything: the chemical surge of an emotional trigger that could lead to limbic takeover lasts about 90 seconds. Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor calls it the 90-second rule. After that, the wave is gone — unless you keep feeding it with thoughts that bring it back.

Most of the damage we do under stress is from acting during those 90 seconds of limbic takeover.

This is why managing your triggers is now the core leadership skill. Not strategy. Not vision. Not communication. Those all matter — but none of them work when the part of your brain that runs them is offline.

Those 90 seconds are your opportunity to shift from reaction (mindless) to response (strategic).

Here's how 👇

You won't always have until tomorrow. Sometimes the moment demands a response right now. So you need tools that work in real time.

1. The 90-second pause. When you feel the surge — anger, defensiveness, urgency — stop. Don't speak. Don't type. Don't decide. Breathe. Let the wave pass through you. The intensity will drop on its own if you let it. If you must speak, as a question, say tell me more, do not react otherwise. These 90 seconds are the prime time for f-ups!

2. Talk to yourself in the third person. Sounds strange. Works. UC Berkeley researcher Ozlem Ayduk has shown that narrating a triggering moment as if you were telling someone else's story drops the emotional intensity fast and brings your judgment back. Instead of "why am I so frustrated?" try "why is [your name] so frustrated right now?" Shift the pronoun, shift the perspective.

3. Name what you're feeling — exactly. Research shows that labeling an emotion drops its intensity. But precision matters. "I'm upset" helps a little. "I'm feeling defensive because she challenged something I'm proud of" helps a lot. The more specifically you name what's happening, the faster you get your brain back.

4. Use my mom's rule when you can. Write it. Don't send it. Come back tomorrow. Most of what feels urgent isn't. Or even in the meeting, when triggered, I would write a response quickly before I speak.

You can't stop the trigger. You can choose what happens next.

Build the gap. Protect the part of your brain that knows how to lead. Everything else you've learned depends on it.

In uncertainty, it's the difference between the moves you're proud of, and the ones you spend years regretting or apologizing for.

Nikola

Thanks for reading. Please reply at any time with questions or feedback.

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