Gardener in War OR Warrior in a Garden?

20 or some years ago, I arrived in London to start my undergraduate studies. A few weeks in, I found myself in a crowded bar trying to get a beer. I had been waiting for 20 minutes, but the bartender hadn't seen me. Suddenly, a man came up behind me, waved his hand, and was immediately served. I was very upset and started yelling at him - "Man, I was here 20 minutes before you! What the hell!"

He calmly looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know you had been waiting that long. I just happen to know the bartender." He waved his hand again, and the bartender came to me to take my order. I felt ashamed. I apologized and bought this gentleman a round of beer. I knew then that the dragon I had grown to protect myself in my war-torn, corruption-infested society at the time (Serbia), was perhaps not needed here. I overreacted. I needed to learn how to tame my dragon.

All of us have dragons that need to be tamed, which may have served us well before, but are not as needed now. However, many people have the opposite problem - not growing their dragon at all, allowing others to abuse their kindness.

What is this dragon? It's a set of behaviors that we establish to protect ourselves, especially in chaotic and challenging environments. My dragon served me well up to a point. But it grew too big. I had to learn how to control it. Having a dragon, and knowing how to protect yourself, is an essential skill. But overprotection (or underprotection) will do more harm than good.

What about you? Do you have dragons to tame? Or maybe you have a dragon to grow?

🐉 Growing your dragon

Having the capacity to protect yourself is very important. Setting healthy boundaries. Not letting anyone take advantage of you or taking you for a ride.

Maybe you have a colleague that always speaks over you, or talks to you in a disrespectful way. Maybe your neighbor is taking advantage of your kindness. What will you do about it? 

Here is what you can do to start developing your dragon:

🗣️ Communicate your needs: Assertive communication is key to setting boundaries without aggression. Practice stating your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully, without blaming or shaming others.

🧑‍🏭 Work on your self-esteem: Your dragon thrives on your self-confidence. Engage in activities and hobbies that make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Remember, a strong dragon is built on a foundation of self-worth, not on the validation of others.

Action item - learning by doing is the only way!

🧘‍♀️ Develop awareness - first find at least one situation in which you feel you need to set boundaries. Then reflect on what has been stopping you from setting that boundary until now? What’s behind that? 

🚀 Craft your next intervention - Plan how you'll assert your needs and protect your space in that situation next time. This might mean rehearsing what you'll say or how you'll act. Then, do it! That’s the only way. 

🐉 Taming your dragon

Or maybe you want to tame your dragon? Here is how I did it:

🙋‍♀️ Acknowledge Your Dragon: Recognize its presence and the role it has played in your life.

🫂 Be Compassionate: Your dragon served you well when you needed protection. Don’t be too harsh on yourself.

👥 Tame, Don't Eliminate: … and it will serve you well again! Having that capacity to protect is your superpower, but you need to learn how to control it so that it doesn’t overreact and hurt you and others.

🪞 Reflect in action - whenever you feel you overreacted in a conversation, a meeting, sit down for 5 min the next day (or right after) and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1. What exactly triggered you? (or What were you protecting?)

2. Did it need to be protected in that way? (Was the danger real?)

3. How would you react differently next time?

Finding and balancing your inner strength is important to stabilize your self-esteem and tame your insecurities. Overconfidence is repulsive and power-abusing, while insecurity is overreacting but also power-abusing potentially (to overprotect).

Nothing beats the compassion of a warrior. Meaning, you are truly ethical and ready to lead once you know you have the inner power and strength. Like a black-belt martial arts master who knows her strength, doesn't get into petty fights, and uses her power as a last resort to protect herself and others.

It's better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war!

Nikola