About 9 years ago, I was in a meeting where I was the only person who spoke English with an accent. I had just started working with this organization to help them improve their leadership trainings. During the meeting, the Program Director, whom I had met several times before, referred to me as "Serbia"! He thought that was my name. Obviously, my name is Nikola, and Serbia is where I'm from. But for some reason, I did not correct him. I stayed silent.

After the meeting, I felt strange. I'm usually someone who easily speaks up. Why didn't I say anything? This wasn't like me at all!

After reflection, I realized that I stayed quiet because I felt self-conscious as the only foreigner with an accent and didn't want to seem more different or embarrass the Program Director.

I surprised myself that day—I disappointed myself!

Have you ever surprised yourself? We all have! But how is that possible? Who surprises whom? Well, it turns out this question reveals the key to understanding the gap we all have between who we really are and who we think we want to be. Let's explore that gap!

🎭 Aspired Vs Enacted Values

We surprise ourselves when we act in unexpected ways, whether positively or negatively. What is really going on here is that we somehow decided to honor one value we didn't expect to prioritize (or even didn't know we had) over some other value we were more aware of.

These moments reveal the gap between our Aspired Values (those we believe we should uphold) and our Enacted Values (those we actually demonstrate through action). It's easy to state values like equality, fairness, truth, and safety when we look at them one by one, isolated from each other, in the safety of our office or a room. It's easy to uphold moral standards when the distinction between right and wrong is clear. True leadership is required when dealing with moral ambiguity, uncertainty, and real consequences—when values clash! When you have to sacrifice one value to honor another more important value.

For example, in a team meeting about a tight deadline, you stay quiet about being behind to avoid seeming incapable. You've prioritized safety over truth!

🎯 Skin in The Game

Because there are rarely any big consequences when we are theoretically debating our values in a classroom or anywhere else, we tend to overestimate our moral capacity and paint a Heroic Self. But when we have to make a decision that will have consequences on us, people around us, and people we care for, then you have to make that tough choice of honoring one value over another.

Let's do a test:

You're in the driver's seat of a trolley that has lost its brakes. The only functioning part is the steering wheel. You're moving quickly and see five workers on the rail ahead. Without brakes, you're certain to hit them. However, there's a side rail with only one worker on it. If you steer the trolley onto it, you will hit only one worker instead of five. What do you do?

Now, what if you realize the one worker on the side rail is someone you know—perhaps your friend from work? What do you do?

Or maybe you realize that one worker on the side rail is not a worker at all, but someone you love (spouse, parent). What do you do?

Now reflect: if and how did your decision change? Why? What are your reasons?

Each decision had a different level of skin in the game, from less to more. You can see how it affects your decision, because it's pushing more and more values against each other.

🌍 Why is This Important?

The higher up you are in your leadership journey, the more often you'll face choices between bad and worse options. In today's world, especially when you have power, it's easy to view people and communities as mere numbers if they're not close to you. I urge you, whenever making a decision about something where you don't have personal skin in the game, to include those at the table who will feel the consequences most deeply. Why? Just like with that trolley problem, your thinking will shift when you have information that enables you to truly honor the values you want to stand for.

⚖️ Do You Know What You Are Sacrificing?

Here's the hard truth: in tough situations, you will have to sacrifice one value to honor another. Maybe you'll stay silent in a heated meeting, choosing self-preservation over standing up for a colleague. The question is: Are you aware of what you're sacrificing?

Also, are you sacrificing something for short-term gain that will lead to long-term loss? Maybe staying silent helped you avoid being yelled at or getting fired, but in the long run, did you lose the respect of your colleagues—or worse, your self-respect?

The more aware you are about your values, if you regularly reflect on your tough decisions, the more intentional you can be about what you are sacrificing and why.

🧪 What Science Says

Decades of behavioural research confirm a stubborn value-action gap: only about 30-40 % of stated intentions translate into real behaviour, even for life-or-death situations. When the heat is on, time-pressure studies show we default to self-protective choices in milliseconds, reshuffling our moral priorities without noticing. That mismatch triggers the guilt and shame predicted by self-discrepancy theory, which maps collisions between our actual, ideal and ought selves. The good news: implementation intentions (“If X happens, then I will do Y”) more than double follow-through across domains, and values-clarification protocols consistently boost alignment and psychological flexibility.

🧭 Action: Start Calibrating Your Moral Compass

🔹 Articulate Your Aspired Values: Take time to identify and articulate your Aspired Values—values that you believe you should uphold and aspire to. Write down 7 to 10. This is the Heroic Self—the idea that you aspire towards.

🔹 Explore the Gap Between Aspired & Enacted Values: Our actions reveal our true values. Reflect on a tough decision from the last 2 months. Consider which values you prioritized or sacrificed. Did you honor any values you're not proud of? Compare these to your Aspired Values list. What does this reveal about you, and what do you want to keep or change? Daily Journaling is the best habit you can develop for this!

🔹 Be Honest and Be Kind: Often, we honor values that we're not proud of—like self-preservation over other principles. That doesn't mean you're a bad person. Honestly reflecting on and revealing these hidden values or the values might be ashamed of is a step toward realigning your moral compass so you can become the Heroic Self you could be.

💫 The Path Forward: Closing the Values Gap

Remember that moment when I didn't correct someone who called me "Serbia" instead of my name? That small reflection taught me something about myself. It revealed a value I didn't know I prioritized: belonging over authenticity. I decided that there is a way to honor both values in this case - I decided that I want to earn belonging with my full self, with my accent, and with my name. I became a bit more of who I want to become.

Your greatest leadership legacy won't be built on what you say, but on the values you honor in action.

What will you choose to honor today?

➕ Bonus Resources

🎥 TED: Would you sacrifice one person to save five? - Eleanor Nelsen

📚 Book: From Values to Action - Harry Kraemer

🎙️ Podcast: WorkLife episode “The Ideal vs. the Real You” - Adam Grant